Raising Young Children (Ages 2 to 7 Years Old)

by Dr. J. Steventon (World Famous Penguinologist)

One of the hardest things about being a parent is the realization of how helpless we really are as parents to influence our children in areas that seem so basic and necessary.  Even as to choice of clothing, we're often at odds with our children and their choices, and we wonder why?  More importantly, we often wonder how we can communicate more effectively and actually influence the seemingly insignificant choices with the hopes that we can materially affect the outcome of the significant decisions.  More often than not, our children will not be fully compliant with our desires for them, but there are definitive steps that we can and should take.

In the end, I believe (as a parent) that we can influence our children, but we have to be diligent and we have to realize that we are not going to win every battle.  That's the first lesson and perhaps the most important - you aren't going to win every battle.  Not only that, but most battles simply aren't worth fighting.  Save your ammunition for the ones that matter and make sure you win those because your parenting career will depend on a few critical milestones.

My wife and I met a lovely couple this past weekend who told us that their 19 year old son was dropping out of college to become a rock star.  I marveled at the composure of this couple and, of course, being a insatiable study of parenting, I asked them how they felt about that and what their response to this career declaration meant.  To their credit and much to my admiration, they responded that they really had no choice in the matter.  If they objected and he failed, they would be the reason why he failed and they would have to live with that for the rest of both their lives.  In fact, if they did anything but give him full support, then they would be to blame for any non-optimal outcome.

I could not help but admire this lovely couple, their maturity, their deep understanding of their children and what choices they had before them, and their own personal choice to support their child even thought it was clear that they disapproved of the decision.

This dynamic is even truer for younger children, and that's the second lesson.  Not only are you not going to win every battle, but it's your children's job to create battles and as many of them as they can, so we need to diffuse as many situations as we can before they escalate into battles.  It's simply not feasible for us to engage on the many fronts that our children engage, but we've found that the most successful parents have firmly established beachheads that cannot be compromised and the children know this.  What are a few of these sacred beachheads?

1.  Keeping their rooms clean.  This is actually a very good beachhead for many reasons.  First, it puts the responsibility on them and only them.  There can be no argument that you messed up the room.  It's their room.  Second, because it's under their complete dominion, they get to exercise some control as to how the room is cleaned, which gives them a partial victory and allows them to save face to some degree.  And, third, this is very objective metric, so you can judge compliance easily.  Either it's clean or it's not. 

2.  Having dinner with the family.  Okay, it may go too far to insist on dinner every night, particularly if your child's schedule is filled with extracurricular activities, but 4 out of 5 nights of the week is not unreasonable by any stretch of the imagination. 

3.  Be respectful at all times.  Although it's completely acceptable to be angry, frustrated or disappointed, how those emotions are expressed make all the difference in the world.  We've found that effective parents do not tolerate disrespect, even for a moment.  Children may feel very strongly about a subject, but that doesn't give them the right to treat others (including their parents) disrespectfully.

4.  Having healthy and parent-approved alternatives.  If your child is uninterested in mainstream activities, like squash, chess club or soccer, you should make sure that they are actively engaged in activities that you approve of and that they are not left to their own devices.  At the formative stages of their life, they should not be asked to simply "hang out" in the neighborhood, particularly if you are concerned about their neighborhood peer groups. 

What else works?  We've also found that parents who have a sense of humor about the job of parenting and who laugh with their children frequently tend to have better connections with their children.  There is something very, very special about laughing with one's child, whatever the reason.  If you can make fun of yourself as a parent in front of your children or if you can admit to not knowing everything and making mistakes yourself, we find that children will be prone to copy these behaviors.  Accordingly, they will be more likely to make fun of themselves when they make mistakes and they will also be more willing to tell you when they've made mistakes because they know you are human too.

Trying to be infallible never works when it comes to being a parent!