One of the hardest
things about being a parent is the
realization of how helpless we really
are as parents to influence our children
in areas that seem so basic and
necessary. Even as to choice of
clothing, we're often at odds with our
children and their choices, and we
wonder why? More importantly, we
often wonder how we can communicate more
effectively and actually influence the
seemingly insignificant choices with the
hopes that we can materially affect the
outcome of the significant decisions.
More often than not, our children will
not be fully compliant with our desires
for them, but there are definitive steps
that we can and should take.
In the end, I
believe (as a parent) that we can
influence our children, but we have to
be diligent and we have to realize that
we are not going to win every
battle. That's the first lesson
and perhaps the most important - you
aren't going to win every battle.
Not only that, but most battles simply
aren't worth fighting. Save your
ammunition for the ones that matter and
make sure you win those because your
parenting career will depend on a few
critical milestones.
My wife and I
met a lovely couple this past weekend
who told us that their 19 year old son
was dropping out of college to become a
rock star. I marveled at the
composure of this couple and, of course,
being a insatiable study of parenting, I
asked them how they felt about that and
what their response to this career
declaration meant. To their credit
and much to my admiration, they
responded that they really had no choice
in the matter. If they objected
and he failed, they would be the reason
why he failed and they would have to
live with that for the rest of both
their lives. In fact, if they did
anything but give him full support, then
they would be to blame for any
non-optimal outcome.
I could not help
but admire this lovely couple, their
maturity, their deep understanding of
their children and what choices they had
before them, and their own personal
choice to support their child even
thought it was clear that they
disapproved of the decision.
This dynamic is
even truer for younger children, and
that's the second lesson. Not
only are you not going to win every
battle, but it's your children's job to
create battles and as many of them as
they can, so we need to diffuse as many
situations as we can before they
escalate into battles. It's
simply not feasible for us to engage on
the many fronts that our children
engage, but we've found that the most
successful parents have firmly
established beachheads that cannot be
compromised and the children know this.
What are a few of these sacred
beachheads?
1.
Keeping their rooms clean. This is actually
a very good beachhead for many reasons.
First, it puts the responsibility on
them and only them. There can be
no argument that you messed up the room.
It's their room. Second, because
it's under their complete dominion, they
get to exercise some control as to how
the room is cleaned, which gives them a
partial victory and allows them to save
face to some degree. And, third, this
is very objective metric, so you can
judge compliance easily. Either
it's clean or it's not.
2. Having
dinner with the family.
Okay, it may go too far to insist on dinner
every night, particularly if your
child's schedule is filled with
extracurricular activities, but 4 out of 5 nights of
the week is not unreasonable by any
stretch of the imagination.
3. Be
respectful at all times.
Although it's completely acceptable to
be angry, frustrated or disappointed,
how those emotions are expressed make
all the difference in the world.
We've found that effective parents do
not tolerate disrespect, even for a
moment. Children may feel very
strongly about a subject, but that
doesn't give them the right to treat
others (including their parents)
disrespectfully.
4. Having
healthy and parent-approved
alternatives. If your child is
uninterested in mainstream activities,
like squash, chess club or soccer, you
should make sure that they are actively
engaged in activities that you approve
of and that they are not left to their
own devices. At the formative
stages of their life, they should not be
asked to simply "hang out" in the
neighborhood, particularly if you are
concerned about their neighborhood peer
groups.
What else works?
We've also found that parents who have a
sense of humor about the job of
parenting and who laugh with their
children frequently tend to have better
connections with their children.
There is something very, very special
about laughing with one's child,
whatever the reason. If you can
make fun of yourself as a parent in
front of your children or if you can
admit to not knowing everything and
making mistakes yourself, we find that
children will be prone to copy these
behaviors. Accordingly, they will
be more likely to make fun of themselves
when they make mistakes and they will
also be more willing to tell you when
they've made mistakes because they know
you are human too. Trying to be
infallible never works when it comes to
being a parent!
